Guides/Updated
Start with what each of you wants the years after birth to look like. Then talk through six subjects: the role each person will have, how much contact there will be, who covers which costs, what screening you will each do and share, which method you are both comfortable with, and what the child will be told. Write down what you agree, and each take it to your own family lawyer.
This is general information to help you ask good questions. It is not medical or legal advice, and it cannot take your own situation into account. For that, speak to a doctor, a fertility clinic or a family lawyer where you live.
Start with the years after birth
A profile can tell you someone's role and timeline. It cannot tell you whether you trust them, whether you both hear the word "involved" the same way, or how they handle a hard conversation.
So start with the picture each of you has of life after the child is born, and look for someone who wants the same thing. Bring up the hard subjects early. Someone who is right for you will be glad you asked.
Six subjects people wish they had settled earlier
- The role each person will have in the child's life.
- How much contact there will be, and how it can change.
- Who pays for which expenses. Nobody is paid for sperm, eggs or surrogacy.
- What screening each person will do and share.
- Which method of conception both people are comfortable with.
- What the child will be told, and when.
Why meet first
This is a decision about a child, and about people who may be in each other's lives for a long time. Meeting first, in public and without hurry, gives both people room to ask questions, notice anything that feels wrong, and walk away with nothing lost.
There is no single correct order for the steps that follow, and nobody is owed a yes. You can change your mind about a person, a method or a timeline whenever you need to.
Where the answer needs a professional
Some questions are not for two people to settle on their own. Which screening is relevant, and how recent results need to be, is a question for a doctor or a fertility clinic. Who the law treats as a parent, and what rights and duties follow, depends on where you live and on how conception happens, and is a question for a family lawyer.
Each person should have their own lawyer, one who is not also advising the other person. Writing things down does not replace that advice. It makes the advice faster and more useful.
How Pedigree helps
- Every profile states a role and what the member hopes for: involvement, method and timeline.
- Filters and the Explore tabs find people by role.
- Meet First requests let you ask to meet before anything is decided.
- The agreement checklist in Resources walks through each of the six subjects.
Questions people ask
- What should two people agree before going ahead?
- What role each person will have in the child's life, how much contact there will be and how it can change, who pays for which expenses, what screening each person will do and share, which method of conception both are comfortable with, and what the child will be told and when.
- When should we bring up the hard subjects?
- Early. Take your time, meet in public more than once, and raise the difficult questions before anyone has decided anything. Someone who is right for you will be glad you asked.
- Does writing it down replace a lawyer?
- No. A written record shows what you both intended. Whether a court would follow it depends on local law, so each person needs their own family lawyer before going ahead.